How To Keep The Babies Quiet: Guarenteed Success

Leave them at home. Seriously.

The term passengers would imply that there was a person occupying a mode of transportation with you that it is there for the ride from point A to point B. There a no passengers in the airline industry. We have clients. These clients, depending on the region they are from, need the following:

Midwest (Dakotas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Iowa, Missouri): Actually, absolutely nothing. You people ROCK! Even though you know we are there to provide you with safety as well as drink of some sort, you never demand either of these. If you feel uncomfortable about something, you politely let a F bomb know and allow them to take care of the situation confident that we are trained appropriately. If you need some service item, such as a drink, you politely (use please and thank you....this really does need to be explained) accept or refuse the offer. Additionally, should you require something that is above customary or you think might be above customary....you ask. Politely. No demands. We love to help you! F bombs love the opportunity to shine our expensive, well polished smiles at you. Why else would spend some much time being the sky goddesses that we are?!

Southern (Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida, Georgia, etc): We know this is your first time on the plane. Please go on-line and, bare minimum, look at what people use to pack their belongings in. A plastic bucket that use to hold pickles sold in bulk, does not fit in the overhead bin or under your seat. Additionally, please, for all that is good in the world, don't attach a faux fox tail to your luggage. I would think this would go without saying, but the past would dictate differently, do not attach real animal tails to your luggage. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Northeast (New England, DC states): You bitches. I love you and I hate you. I love that you tell me what you want and your willing to hear it back in the same manner, but please sit your overfed ass and purple stained wine teeth down and give us a small time out without you. We know you have lots of great stories. We've heard them before. You all talk about the same things. Don't get me wrong. I've laughed at them before and I'm willing to laugh at them again, but let us have a few moments of peace. You make the flying portapottie...which f-bombs almost as a rule try to stay of....a sanctuary.

California (you are a region of your own): You are the most unhappy people in the world and you can't figure out what would make you happy. Why do you need 3 drinks for an hour flight? I'll tell you. You have no idea what might not only satisfy you, but make your experience of that drink amaze you. Why do you all need to specify your water... distilled, tonic, seltzer or flat? Don't they have magazine that tell you which water is currently trendy? Why do need to use the bathroom as soon as you get on the plane or as we are landing. Do you really love our portable potties that much or is it your amazing need to control the pilots, flight attendants, air traffic control and the rest of the passengers by declaring your sudden lack of bladder control. Additionally, could you please you leave all your personal problems to your therapist? If your claustrophobic, don't like used things...like seats, carpet, tables, headphones..don't fly. This is not for you. California's, please do not fly. Nothing will ever make you happy no matter how far you travel from home.

Northwest: You are polite California with a very nice smile. You are much easier to take, but almost equally demanding.

Hawaii: People with children, the title is for you. Additionally, I'm sure you had this child before you got on the plane. I'm sure you remember they need a blanket, food, diapers and entertainment. The movie will not be a Disney flic to entertain the 3% of passengers under the age of five. Believe it or not, the whole world does not stop because you decided to procreate.

People without children on this flight usually have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. You people are one step away from dust. Bring your own defibrillator. We are running low. If F bombs looked haggard at the end of this flight, its' for good reason. You have ran us ragged with all your personal maintenance issues you forgot how to do the second you stepped on the plane.

With that said, thank you for flying friendly skies. For the 500th time today....Bye, bye.