Ask a Stew

A Dirty Video

2009-07-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

UUuuuughhhhhh... so grossssss.... so we just had to share!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Id8ZU6aM6JU

Our Virgin Pilot

2009-06-04T10:18:00.000-07:00

The reason I know that God has a sense of humor is because he invented pilots. With that said, I feel the best way to tell a story regarding a pilot would be in form of a prayer:

Our Pilot, who art fly for some carrier
Virgin may be thy name (or not, I'm not pointing any fingers here).
The FAA come.
The test be done,
Our pilot, awaits his fate.
The FAA checks and gets ready to sign,
But a heart attack does stop his name.
To the hospital they run,
The doctors they begun,
to save our Dear FAA.
The next day arrives,
our Virgin Pilot (or not, but somebody said he was a virgin.. not sure what that means...) is ready to fly,
yet he has no FAA to sign.
To the hospital he run,
turned away by a nurse.
Family only, she begun.
Our Virgin Pilot (seriously, maybe he never finished his wedding vows. Maybe he really is a virgin. Hmmmm.. I wonder what airline he flies for) gets crafty and reaches for his purse,
To the costume store he goes.
Back to the hospital, all dressed as a priest,
"Last prayer" he tells the nurse.
His temptation has failed, to evil he turns,
and lies his way through the gates.
FAA signs, Virgin Pilot he flies (don't ask me who he flies for, I can't tell you...secrets).
Men, your bring me to heaven.

All Men.

Not sure where that last part came from...

Hong Kong Etiquette

2009-05-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a land far far away.... there was a lady passenger. And she missed her flight. So we get to laugh at her. The End.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50nNQdgkpTE

ps. This is not actually what she was saying, but it still makes me proud.

The day Holy Moley got Rolled

2009-04-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

There are many silly laws out there. Ones that never should have been created, ones that should be reversed and ones that I agree with completely. To get a few suggestions, I googled 'dumb laws' and went directly to the 'Virginia' link which did not let me down. God bless Virginia. I meant it, this state needs to be blessed.

Here's a law I agree with: In the state of Virginia it is illegal to tickle women. Come on now. If you really want to see a woman squirm, make it worth her while. Show a little imagination. Bare minimum, show a little bit of skill or foresight on what a woman may want in order to squeal, giggle and toss her body around in ways that should really only happen after 2 am with enough drinks that makes it ok for her to say "I never do that" and perhaps have the chance to get away with it.

Here's a law that never should have been created: There is a state law prohibiting “corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates.' Seriously, how could the men I date afford to take me out? Silly.

Here's one that should be reversed: stalking. It has recently come to my attention that I am past the traditional age in which a person is most likely to have a stalker. Supposedly, this age is 25. If you don't have a stalker by 25, you most likely will never have one. This makes me sad. I have always wanted someone to be so intrigued with every step I take, every move I make, every breath I take.... ok, that was dumb the first time. Regardless, there has to be at least one man out there that cannot bare to allow me to live on this earth if I refuse to be with him. Isn't there one man out there that doesn't want to wear my skin?!!!! Has anyone ever seen me?! I'm a F*bomb! What does a girl have to do?! Where is my Xanax?......phew.

Anyway, my point is, rules are rules. Here is one rule of the sky: Do not tell on other F*bombs. This, of course, leads me to Holy Moley.

Holy Moley was a spiritually led F*bomb with a mole on her face. We know she was spiritually led because she had decorated her temple in scripture and reminded all of us how F*bombs should behave. Additionally, if we forgot how to behave or dress (how dare she?!?) she would immediately inform a manager or supervisor of the indiscretion.

In her current domicile, this admiral task of helping her fellow F*bombs become that most perfect F*bomb on the line in the mirror image of our savior (aka the airlines), was not taken well. In fact, her discreet comments to supervisor became the talk of the domicile.

I need to sidebar here. In general, it is always my rule to be the talk of any circle. If they are not talking about you, you are not making anyone jealous of you. This, of course, would never lead to having your own personal stalker because you wouldn't become unattainable.

Back to my story.

The talk in the domicile became serious and threatening. My dear F*bomb was in danger. She needed to move. The managers, under much consideration, decided the safest place for Holy Moley to go was to Vegas. Vegas she would be safe. She would be able to perfect her craft of making every F*bomb follow the letter of all the rules. She would be accepted as an individual... strong and confident in her convictions.

Unfortunately, the Vegas F*bomb mafia beat her up in the parking lot.

She is know pregnant and hasn't returned from maternity leave.

I have to again speak in the defense of Holy Moley.

Dear Vegas F*bomb mafia, I do understand the distress Holy Moley caused and she did need to comply to the universal law of "no telling". Although, I do question your methods. F*bombs do not bring the roller derby ways to the line. No matter how much the environment indicates that you should bet on chicken fights, dog fights or whatever redneck Vegas mafia sideshow goes on, F*bombs do not become the subject of any bet that does not include a martini or 5 first and involving at least one man married or otherwise.

Again, and I mean this, God bless Virginia

Don't mess with a white girl's SPF

2008-09-03T08:42:00.000-07:00

When I was twenty, my adorable boyfriend and I bought a truck, yep I said it...truck. It was this truck that we packed all our 18 years of accumulated worldly belongings, said good-bye to our families, our friends and my cat, Ginger (he was a male cat with either an identity disorder or smart owner that was trying to toughen him up to be a street cat by giving him a name handicap as a kitten) and moved out west to Montana. It sounds mildly like a country song until I add in the part where I tell you we both drank too much and he stole the truck. That should pretty much cinch the writing deal I have with Kenny Chesney.

So...what was I to do. I picked up my Birkenstocks and bought a new to me car. I bought a VW bug. It was so cute and exactly what I needed to park in my new sorority parking lot. Unfortunately, it was very moody and I was adventurous. Tough combination when you choose to drive this cute piece of trash across country. I'm talking about the car, not me.

It broke down a million times, but I made it back to Massachusetts to visit my family. This is where I got some of my best advice on self defense while traveling. My brother told me that the key to getting out of a dangerous situation is to surprise your assailant. He proceeded to give me an example. "Moon them", he said. Shortly there after I found out that my brother was a homo. I feel as though I can make non politically correct comments like this because I have a homo of my own. I have a homo trump card. Anyway, I'm not sure if the example my brother was giving me was suppose to scare them or if it was actually more of just a wave hello. None the less, I elected not to use his strategy and carried a switch blade.

Recently, I was in Spain and heard a similar story on self defense. I was sitting in an outdoor drinkery....much like an eatery, but I'm uncertain if they had food. Its irrelevant when Sangria is involved. Anyway, the girl next to us clearly needed to talk about her recent adventure and anyone that starts a conversation with a slur in the middle of the afternoon deserves my undivided attention especially when its in really bad Espanol. She was an English teacher and refused to embarass the english language with overconsumption of alcohol.

She was a cute, tiny girl from NY wearing a straw hat and sunglasses that was clearly used to protect us from going blind while looking at her skin which was so white I'm sure you could only see her under a purple light. She needed our advice. Sure...ask a stew...we'll tell you. She wanted to know if she should tell anyone that she got rolled by two 12 year old boys. Then goes on to explain that she didn't go down without a fight. See...these boys came up behind her, wrapped their arms around her to knock her down and steal her bag. Little did they know she is from NY and had some self defense moves she was willing to try out.

With one arm wrapped around her mouth, she did what she had to. She used her canine type chompers and bit down on her 12 year old assailants arm. To her surprise, she discovered it was not his arm, but her own arm that she bit. It's a little fuzzy from here, but she remembers them knocking her down...... Here's where I need to stop this story. My new friend whose name starts with J and rhymes with Phessica wants me to believe that she was coordinated enough to bit her own arm in self defense wants me to believe that she was knocked to the ground. My bet is on her tripping over her own feet or passing out in fear or possible arm pain..... In any event, she woke up so see her assailants running off...with her bag, but running none the less. As they should.

Clearly, intimidated by Phessica's kung fu ways they left her SPF for her knowing she would hunt them down for it. Phessica knowing that the only thing worse than getting rolled by two 12 year olds, is a bad sunburn, thoroughly applied a coat to spf 15 before going to the police.

Phessica set precedents. Don't mess with a white girl's SPF.

Fluffer

2008-08-31T12:34:00.000-07:00

Well….looks like my dear friend, Schmen (refer to: First Class or Class Ass), has been outdone. Oddly, enough…..by the cleaning crew. Not just any cleaning crew. Not the ones that you normally see circling the door of the jet bridge waiting for the plane to land so they can knock you over to spray their room “deodorizer” in your face and push you back in your seat as if their job was with the national center of disease control and that flight had been red flagged. Not the ones that are short enough to play leap frog with. Not the ones that actually look like they wash their hair less than people that claim to be from Europe, as if that was some personal hygiene trump card. Not that ones that inspire high school line backers to work out more. We’re talking tall, blonde Polish chicas bonitas. F*bombs have nothing on them…well, except for myself and the crowd I go out to ice cream with.

Not only were these women beautiful they were complete professionals. They were always looking their best for work. They were always right where you needed them. They were always detail oriented. They were giving….always wanted to make sure everyone was taken care of. They always made sure their blankets were folded and their pillows were fluffy. These were the ‘take the shirt’ of their back type of women.

Unfortunately, all of those descriptions could be taken quite literally. One day these beautiful bombshell bitches, as I like to refer to them as, were gone. Dismayed that these beauties would nowhere to help us all inspire to be ‘cleaning crew’, someone asked one of our managers. Much like the typical managers that most people work with, these people knew nothing…… well, except that these natural wonders were discovered after hours on the plane, in the hangar, filming a porno with the plane as their stage.

I still haven’t found the video. God speed Polish cleaning crew. You’ll be missed.

What Not to Wear

2008-08-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

The F*bomb career is the modern day “Mrs.” degree from college which was the only reason my Mother thought a young woman should even consider attending such an institution. It is inconceivable in her mind why a woman would waste her good child bearing years with her plump booty sitting in a library with her pretty little nose stuck in reading material or paying her own bills when she could be at home trying to get pregnant. Although, I do agree with her on the point not much beats “trying to get pregnant’.

You can’t imagine her delight when I told her I had been chosen among the 600,000 applicants to join the exclusive ranks of an F*bomb. I now have the opportunity to meet very rich men or, even better, celebrities looking to date someone that can appreciate their hectic schedule and enjoy a personal life out of the ‘lime light’. (Btw, where does that come from?)

I do meet celebrities. None of them, so far, have bettered my life in any way. Although one of them has given me a false promise so I am feeling that I have indeed had a relationship with a man of power and prestige. I’m not sure if I can say his name because he might sue me for all my collector marbles so I’ll make his name up. Flinton Felly. He looks a lot like, Clinton Kelly, the host of “What Not to Wear”. I did tell him he was going to be on my blog so I feel compelled to post a picture of him.

In a moment of despair, he arrived. In first class looking tall, handsome, perfectly dressed and very charming. You know, one of those guys everyone else’s mother warns them about. Not my mother. My mother taught me to tell your problems to the man and give him the support that he needs to make all your dreams come true. This will make the man want to ‘try to get pregnant’. In order to make my mother proud, I went through with it. I marched right up to him, spun around, posed and said, “What the hell are we going to do with this mess?”

I do remember seeing pictures where the F*bombs looked darling in the perfectly trendy and flattering uniforms. Today we wear tents made of polyester and wool that not only would catch fire should we need to bounce ourselves off an inflatable slide, but also burns you as it rubs against your skin with every move. After tears of dismay and laughter, he agreed to have a chat with my CEO. Lets face it, if I can’t laugh at the way they dress us than nobody can and that kind of entertainment needs be acknowledged. Recently it was pointed out that I had buttons on my sleeves, but yet I still must have lost my mittens. The uniform is just ridiculous.

To this day, no letter to my CEO. Here is my letter to him. 'Dear Flinton Felly, I am disappointed in you. I do not want to try to get pregnant with you. Love, F*bomb.'

Roller(bag) Derby

2008-08-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

She's preparing for battle. She buttons up her blue crisp ugly uniform. Rolls up those 4 day-worn-in-tattered-nylons. Puts on those hooker heels. Tightens her grip on the Rollerboard/Rollerbag. And with a glint of revenge in her eye..... SHHHEEEEEE'SS OOOOOOOOOFFFF!! Down the Airport terminal she goes!! Weaving in & out of obstacles; aka annoying passengers!! Dodging stupid questions by inexperienced travelers; aka annoying passengers!! Stopping briefly to grab a Starbucks; YES!! Trying to time arriving at the gate perfectly so she isn't late, but isn't early!! Watch out mother's of crying babies! Watch out people that ring their call buttons!! Watch out people that take smelly shits on the airplane!! SHE. IS. COooooMING!! ...BUT ALAS! The beautiful and heroic F*Bomb comes across... *Dum*Dum*Dum... a freakin passenger standing in the middle of the moving walkway!! :^O (That's a shocked face) Oh No! What is the F*Bomb to do?! Her only choice. (this is where the "glint of revenge" comes into play) Run his ass over! Knock him over with the Rollerbag! Go sista Go! (And the crowd goes wild! YEAhhhhh!) Nothing can stop her!! Not even your toes!! They are mere casualties in the line of duty!
Moral of the Story: WALK/RUN on the left hand side of the moving walkway and STAND on the right side. DON'T take up the whooooole walkway. We will run yo ass over & enjoy it... so beware of Roller(bag) Derby.

One in the Clink

2008-08-07T17:50:00.000-07:00

I’ve been told a few times that I have quite an imagination. Not by my 3rd grade teacher that gave me a check under ‘needs improvement’ under the ‘ability to use imagination’ part of my report card which was shortly followed with another ‘needs improvement’ under the ‘social skills’ section. I feel that I have overcome these obstacles and perhaps compensated for them in my adult life.

With that said, I have often wondered what happens to the items Customs finds in people’s suitcases that they haven’t claimed on their Declaration card or perhaps isn’t even legal. What kind of party do these people have with all the drugs they ‘confiscate’? Do they eat the birds that have been tranquilized in someone’s jacket from the Asia flights? Say for example, someone brought over a human skull for a religious ceremony, what do they do with that? Put in on the mantle in the break room? Then….what happens to these people? Are they sent home? Are they shot like they are in Thailand? Used for practice in the military? What happens? I have to know.

Well, after grilling a customs agent which includes what I would like imagine as him being in a dark room with only a cold, child sized, metal chair for him to sit on so that he looks up at me only to see the glare of a 1970’s light bulb blinding him and the sound of my booming voice throwing question after question at him. In reality, I rode home on the train with him and we only sat together because it was packed and he was the only safe looking person to sit next to. I thought perhaps he would be the type of person to rescue me from a homeless person that was trying to get me to sit on his lap like to good ‘dumb white bitch’ that other homeless people in the streets of San Francisco like to describe me as. I’m sure I deserve it, but is it really necessary to yell it in front of everyone? Give me a chance to prove it myself. They kill all my fun.

Anyway, coming to find out there are jail cells in the airport…in every airport. Actually, there are two types. One is a holding cell for people that are polite and just made a mistake. These types of cells are much like an apartment with food, television, couches…all the comforts of home. These are usually for the foreigners.

The other type is a real cell. These are for people that have meltdowns. People that think that by speaking at the customs agent in such a level that dogs will scratch through walls or hide in their kennels like its July 4th, they will back down and tell them that the United States Customs regulations is really just a guideline and that it certainly does not include people that threaten them or all their entire family with all the power of all their ones of dollars. These cells are primarily for indignant Americans…or f*bombs gone mad. I’ve attached a video for your reference. Enjoy.

Ps. The customs agent told me that confiscated materials are placed in an incinerator.

Pss. I don’t believe him.

Mile High Club...Be careful what you ask for

2008-06-06T11:04:00.001-07:00

Progressive Opportunist

2008-05-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

Crime is an economic resilient profession. Although, I willing to bet that when the economy is in a recession, the industry becomes flooded. I'm also willing to bet there is enough opportunity to go around. Additionally, such as every professional, they are always looking for a new opportunity and a new technique. This is a progressive profession of opportunity that people with some degree of a sociopath would only understand. With that said, the only way to avoid being a victim/client of these people is to stay home on your couch. Mind you, you could do that, but your either currently by yourself or you will be soon.

Should this event happen to you within your travels, you may start thinking like a F*bomb. How did they know that my bag was so precious? Have they been watching me? Why do they always want my stuff? Are they jealous of me? Is my makeup really that much better than everyone else? Did they not have a camera to take a picture of me so they stole my passport? Where would they put such a stunning picture? Their mantle? Their bedside? So many questions go through your mind. Here's the answer...it happened because you were there. Just like the Marlboro Man said that came to my highschool to give a motivational speech, "Don't should on yourself." I'm not going to address how to be defensive in getting your stuff stolen. That's a waste of time and far to negative. F*bombs don't have time to stop smiling, plus it causes wrinkles and we are going to be around for a long time.

Here's what to do. Before you leave scan and email a copy of your passport and tickets (F*bombs: especially id 90 tickets) to your personal email. Wire yourself money through Western Union. Yeah, it costs money, but if you need money they are seriously everywhere and your stolen ATM will not help you. Carry mace. Those are things that will keep your vacation going and a way out of the country. It will take a few hours to replace everything, but that's it. Most important, recognize the thing that nobody can take from you....your attitude. Only you can ruin your vacation. Other people can only cause obstacles. Nothing brings down a F*bomb.

One more thing, if there is a F*bomb out there that gets stuck in a foreign country and you lose your i90 ticket, email me. There is a way to obtain a new ticket even if your company does not have a desk there. I was sworn to secrecy on how to do this, but I would never let a F*bomb go down...unless she wanted too :)

P.S. See why I don't pack pants?

How To Keep The Babies Quiet: Guarenteed Success

2008-05-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

Leave them at home. Seriously.

The term passengers would imply that there was a person occupying a mode of transportation with you that it is there for the ride from point A to point B. There a no passengers in the airline industry. We have clients. These clients, depending on the region they are from, need the following:

Midwest (Dakotas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Iowa, Missouri): Actually, absolutely nothing. You people ROCK! Even though you know we are there to provide you with safety as well as drink of some sort, you never demand either of these. If you feel uncomfortable about something, you politely let a F bomb know and allow them to take care of the situation confident that we are trained appropriately. If you need some service item, such as a drink, you politely (use please and thank you....this really does need to be explained) accept or refuse the offer. Additionally, should you require something that is above customary or you think might be above customary....you ask. Politely. No demands. We love to help you! F bombs love the opportunity to shine our expensive, well polished smiles at you. Why else would spend some much time being the sky goddesses that we are?!

Southern (Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida, Georgia, etc): We know this is your first time on the plane. Please go on-line and, bare minimum, look at what people use to pack their belongings in. A plastic bucket that use to hold pickles sold in bulk, does not fit in the overhead bin or under your seat. Additionally, please, for all that is good in the world, don't attach a faux fox tail to your luggage. I would think this would go without saying, but the past would dictate differently, do not attach real animal tails to your luggage. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Northeast (New England, DC states): You bitches. I love you and I hate you. I love that you tell me what you want and your willing to hear it back in the same manner, but please sit your overfed ass and purple stained wine teeth down and give us a small time out without you. We know you have lots of great stories. We've heard them before. You all talk about the same things. Don't get me wrong. I've laughed at them before and I'm willing to laugh at them again, but let us have a few moments of peace. You make the flying portapottie...which f-bombs almost as a rule try to stay of....a sanctuary.

California (you are a region of your own): You are the most unhappy people in the world and you can't figure out what would make you happy. Why do you need 3 drinks for an hour flight? I'll tell you. You have no idea what might not only satisfy you, but make your experience of that drink amaze you. Why do you all need to specify your water... distilled, tonic, seltzer or flat? Don't they have magazine that tell you which water is currently trendy? Why do need to use the bathroom as soon as you get on the plane or as we are landing. Do you really love our portable potties that much or is it your amazing need to control the pilots, flight attendants, air traffic control and the rest of the passengers by declaring your sudden lack of bladder control. Additionally, could you please you leave all your personal problems to your therapist? If your claustrophobic, don't like used things...like seats, carpet, tables, headphones..don't fly. This is not for you. California's, please do not fly. Nothing will ever make you happy no matter how far you travel from home.

Northwest: You are polite California with a very nice smile. You are much easier to take, but almost equally demanding.

Hawaii: People with children, the title is for you. Additionally, I'm sure you had this child before you got on the plane. I'm sure you remember they need a blanket, food, diapers and entertainment. The movie will not be a Disney flic to entertain the 3% of passengers under the age of five. Believe it or not, the whole world does not stop because you decided to procreate.

People without children on this flight usually have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. You people are one step away from dust. Bring your own defibrillator. We are running low. If F bombs looked haggard at the end of this flight, its' for good reason. You have ran us ragged with all your personal maintenance issues you forgot how to do the second you stepped on the plane.

With that said, thank you for flying friendly skies. For the 500th time today....Bye, bye.

"It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's..."

2008-04-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

"It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's... A BIRD'S BRAIN?!!?"

QUESTION: Did The Bird Fly Into The Plane OR Did The Plane Fly Into The Bird?!

Evidence #1: Picture of Side Cockpit Window

ANSWER: Who do you think the Bad Flier is and why?!

First Class or Class Ass

2008-04-19T16:44:00.000-07:00

F*bombs are not born F*bombs. There is some interviewing...some training....some screening. Still... we can't be held responsible for a F*bomb gone wrong. Although, we can definitely laugh about it. Here's a classic.

I can't mention names but her name starts with a "J" and rhymes with "Schmen". I'll just call her Schmen so the story doesn't get confusing.

Schmen was a cool girl. I loved her. I really did. Let me tell you all the reasons why.

1. She was medicated. (I love this about most people)
F*bombs with flaws? Weird. Anyway, Schmen did take her medication just not every day and then she would make up for it all at once. Oooops.

2. She was expressive.
Her random medication schedule would make her do odd things. Cry in class. Bang on people's doors at night. Hit on the gay instructors. Yell down the hall. You know, things you only do on layovers.

3. She used her F*bomb brains and beauty to manipulate men.
One day this little vixen was going to get the ax. Schmen was smart...and rich. Schmen used her F*bomb ways to get one of the instructors to hit on her and then turned him in for sexual harassment. When they went to fire her, she threatened to sue because they were going to fire her after she reported a instructor for sexual harassment. See why I love her?!

4. She was not prejudice against married men.
She found a boyfriend on her training flight. Pilot. Married. Money to buy her things. Love this chick!

5. She was resourceful.
F*bomb wing wearing vixen that needs a little extra cash. What's a girl to do....? The obvious. Get a modeling gig. She got a great one. She was going to be photographed naked. Yep. Love her. Oh yeah, from the backside as a ten year old boy. This is where the no hips comes into play. She took a job as a naked, 10 year old boy for a pedophile magazine!

6. She had willpower that could put Jenny Craig to shame.
For this modeling gig, she has to lose a little weight. She's tiny, but coming to find out, ten year old boys are smaller. I only heard about the diet after her incident. See...this F*bomb fell down a flight of escalator stairs in a very large airport while walking with her Bo. Poor married bo had to miss his next flight because, when she fell she broke her nose and her blood got all over his shirt. He packs shirts like I pack pants...he didn't. So, he goes home and she goes to the hospital for a broken nose, fatigue, dehydration and malnutrition.

7. She was very open-minded.
Closed signs to the hotel pool doesn't stop this F*bomb from showing her treasures to the pilots and fellow f*bombs. Although, I wish she was a little more coordinated. She tosed her naked self off the wall on the way back over and cracked her head. Back to the hospital :(

8. She gives her passengers "First Class Treatment"
This is actually how she finally got fired. Coming to find out, she was flying the Purser (manager) position of a flight. As the new F*bombs came up just prior to landing, they found her a little unruffled and asleep in the jumpseat with an empty wine bottle. So...we don't tell on each other!!!!!!!. Good F*bombs! Instead, they strapped her to her seat to land and threw her in the bathroom during deplaning. Unfortunately, passengers told the agent about what happen during the flight and the agent called a supervisor down to alcohol test her. Coming to find out, she drank a little too much and did a strip show for first class before she passed out. She got fired.

See why I loved this girl!?!

Guarding The Airport: Pictures

2008-04-18T17:51:00.000-07:00

While "Guarding the Airport" (See definition on blog #2, 3/12/08) The F*Bombs decided to have fun... :)

Free Massage:

Free Makeover:

Free Book Reading:

Free Icecream Tasting:

Free Prayer:

Free Ride:

Vegetarian Cuisine ... Not so free but Yummy!:

Alas, our fun is done because I got called out to work :(

Lost and Need Found...REWARD!

2008-04-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

Video. Black and White or Color. Approximately 5 minutes in length. Flight Attendant feet about a size 7. Wiggling. Swaying back and forth. Taunting. Video must be in good condition. Please report if you found my feet. Thank you.

F*bomb makes it on the Big Screen

2008-04-12T17:08:00.000-07:00

My fellow F*bomb got a little shy on you and left out her own adventures in foot fetish America. I'm positive she wants this story out so I'll do her a favor.

Picture it...the year 2008...Bush is in office...its a cold day in downtown San Francisco, California. My fellow F*bomb is dashing through our favorite over priced public transportation system...Bart. Suddenly, she is stopped by a few "college students" working on a project for school. My fellow F*bomb, recognizing it takes a "community to raise a child" and that "education is the key to our future", stops her quick, short steps of her long, long legs to see how she can help. Seemingly, these young men have project about the "souls" of people. These witty young men decide to put an interesting spin on this project and video tape people's feet. What a better video than a F*bomb in uniform who's "soul" has been "around"...what? It's a college project....Remember?! She's thinks to herself..."Self. This could be one of two things. One being that I am seriously helping out these young men. Or, two, my feet will be famous on some foot fetish porn site."

I wonder which one is was......

Shoenapped

2008-04-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

Imagine you are comfortably sleeping on a long flight.... pillow and blanket (if you are lucky enough to get one) are adjusted and you have kicked off your shoes to let your toes breathe. ZZZZZzz..... 3 hours go by until IT happens. (insert dramatic silence). You wake up with a jolt, a weird tingling sensation, an urge that just won't go away.... you must use the restroom! Quickly, you throw off the blanket, rub the sleep out of your eyes, wake up the other 2 passengers (because of course you are seated/squished against the window), and try to put on your shoes. Problem. No shoes... you look under the seat in front of you, the seat behind you, the seat next to you, even in the overhead bin in desperation as the "I need to use the restroom NOW" sensation becomes more urgent. Every passenger and Flight Attendant is now looking for your shoes. Still not finding your shoes- you make a barefoot-mad-dash for the restroom! (WARNING!: DO NOT TRY THIS ON YOUR NEXT FLIGHT. NEVER EVER EVER EVER GO BAREFOOT OR WEAR ONLY SOCKS IN THE BATHROOM. YOU WILL CATCH A DISEASE AND MOST LIKELY DIE.) After you have used the restroom and thoroughly disinfected your feet, you return to your seat. And what do you find waiting there oh so innocently? Your lovely shoes. Naturally, you would dismiss the incident as you being tired and overlooking them in your haste to use the restroom. However, your shoes were probably victims in a horrible crime known as Shoenapping. Yes Shoenapping.
True Story: My roommate was working a flight where a man was stealing people's shoes as they slept, taking them into the restroom, and victimizing the shoes. Needless to say, she had to ask him to please stop stealing people's shoes. About 5 pairs of shoes were victims on that horrible flight, please don't let it happen to your shoes. Foot fetish. Shoe fetish. Fungus Fetish. Whatever the proper name is... LEAVE OUR SHOES ALONE!!!

Confessions of a F*Bomb: 9/11

2008-04-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

Q: What is your 9/11 story?

A:

If the video doesn't start, click here: http://s292.photobucket.com/albums/mm14/AskAStew/?action=view¤t=MVI_0233.flv

Off Camera Notes: 1. She said that the local restaurants brought out sandwiches, food, & drinks for the people stranded on the highway (Free of Charge). 2. She saw the flight attendants in the domicile before they took off on their final flight. 3. The F*Bomb started crying :( 4. She started flying again asap after 9/11, but then had to take a 2 year break later to recuperate from the trauma. 5. She believes that it will happen again, but in London. 6. A reporter came up and took her account of the event, and said God Bless her after he found out that she worked for an Airline. 7. She does not think that it is fair that every memorial for 9/11 only has firefighters and/or police figures. Never a flight attendant or pilot (or passenger)! NOT FAIR! The cabin crew and passengers literally brought the plane down before it hit its final destination and saved thousands of people's lives. Hmmmmm and what did "we" get as a Thank You? A Cute lil Statue?-NO! A pretty lil memorial?-NO! We get ...(drum roll)... pay cuts! AND loss of jobs! AND longer work hours! AND less days off! AND shorter layovers/rest periods! AND less Medical/Dental coverage! ...So the terrorist attacks that made fireman/policeman heroes (Granted they ARE HEROES!!) also made flight attendants and pilots decide between losing 40% of their lively hood or losing their jobs completely. Unfortunately, "we" are still dealing with these losses 7 years later. But that is another rant. Another blog. 8. We did get permission from her to publish this video. 9. Do NOT copy or save or use this video in any context. It's MINE and I don't want to share. Grrrrrrr.

We could give a....?

2008-04-03T14:32:00.001-07:00

Bin Ladden

2008-04-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gents, if your bag does not fit in the overhead bin, said bag is called "check-in luggage". Additionally, the flight attendants are not your personal baggage handlers and are not responsible for your lack of talent in recognizing your short comings regarding square peg in round hole depth perceptions. God bless your current spouse.

Phew. Now that I got off my chest, I must say there are some customer complaints that are valid and, when written well, will be heard by everyone...... Don't get wrong, you won't get results, but you will be heard. Here's a real letter written by a passenger from Continential. Enjoy!

How Many Flushes Does It Take?!

2008-03-28T00:30:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: How Many Flushes Does It Take To Suck An Entire Strip Of Toilet Paper (About The Length Of A 737) Down The Airplane Toilet?!

ANSWER: 5 Flushes! The Fifth Flush Pulled It About Half Way Down The Plane!
CONCLUSION: F*Bombs Are Freakin Scientific Geniuses!

Vegetarian Airport Cuisine

2008-03-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

No Red Meat + No Chicken + No Fish + No Eggs + The Airport's Limited Cuisine + 15 min till your flight leaves = A Very Hungry Vegetarian! Don't worry though, your lovely F*Bomb has your back .... well your tummy at least... in this Healthy-Fast-Food Guide!

CHICAGO, IL/O'HARE:
Great American Bagel- B14- Veggie Bagel Sandwiches (Warning! The Veggie Soup contains beef stock)
Quizno's- B11- Veggie Toasted Sandwiches & Salads
WolfGang Puck- B7- Veggie Pizzas & Salads
Chili's- B14- Great Mix of Everything!
Connie's Pizza- C22- Pizza
Reggio's Pizza- C19- Pizza
Salad Works- C19- Salad (Pasta &/or leaf)
Manchu Wok- C19- Spicy Tofu & Noodles
TCBY/Juiceworks- C15- Sweet Tooth

DENVER, CO:
Paradise Bakery & Cafe- C, B Mezz- Veggie Sandwich, Pasta Salad, & Leaf Salad
Cantina- C, B Mezz-
Wolfgang Puck- B Mezz- Veggie Pizzas & Salads
Quizno's- A, B- Veggie Toasted Sand. & Salads
Einstein Bros. Bagel- C- Veggie Bagel Sandwich
Schlotzsky's- A- Veggie Sandwiches, Salads, & Pizza
Ben & Jerry's Icecream- A, B Mezz- Sweet Tooth

SAN FRANCISCO, CA:
San Francisco Soup Co.- 3 Food court- Hummus Wrap, Salad, Pesto Pasta Salad, Tomato Soup
Firewood Cafe- 3 Food court- Pizza
Boudin's Bakery- 3 Food court- Veggie Sandwiches & Salads
Willow Creek Grill- ...details soon...
Jalapeno Mexican Grill- ...details soon...
Max The Greek- ...details soon...

SEATTLE, WA:
Starbucks- Main Terminal (Open 24/7), Central Terminal, A, B (2), C, North Satellite- Yummy!
The Great American Bagel- A, D, North Satellite- Bagel Sandwiches & salads
Kathy Casey Dish D'Lish- Main & Central Terminal- Hummus Sandwich & Greek Salad
La Pisa Cafe- A- Pizza, Panini's, Salad's, Sandwiches
Maki Of Japan- Central Terminal- Veggie Rolls, Tofu & Veggie dish
Chili's- D- Great Mix of Everything!
Manchu Wok- A- Spicy Tofu & Noodles
WolfGang Puck- C- Pizza & Salads (not sure if Veggie Sandwiches sold at this location)
QDoba Grill- Central Terminal- Grilled Veggie or Vegetarian Burritos/Tacos/Salads/Nachos
Pallino Pastaria- Central Terminal- Pizza, Pasta, Sandwich, Salads
Sbarro- B- Pizza & Pasta
Waji's- C-Garden Roll

WASHINGTON, DC/DULLES:
California Tortilla- C22- Veggie Burritos, Tacos
Famous Famiglia- A4- Pizza
Cosi- A7- Sandwiches, Salads, & Pizza
Green Leaf's- B73-
Subway- D14- Sandwiches
Villa Pizza- B23, D23- Pizza

...More Airports Coming Soon.... Any Requests? or Recommendations?!

Proper way to stand as a Flight Attendant

2008-03-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

Hong Kong.....a little too long

2008-03-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

Second piece of very good advice....do not fly half way around the world with a hangover from hell. Just saying.

I have to leave for work a couple hours before the flight actually leaves. First I have to ride the train to the airport. Fortunately, I managed to find an empty bag in my suitcase that was previously intended for a present but I used it to scare people from sitting next to me on the train. O.k, maybe it was because I was sweating and beginning to hiccup in a threatening manner while holding the bag close to my face. None the less, I found this to be very effective in getting a whole train car to myself.

Next, I have to sit in a pre-flight meeting. I did manage to make it through that but then bolted for the door looking in all directions for the nearest garbage bucket. I made it as far as the elevator in front of my managers office before I needed to hold my mouth shut with my hand. O.k, all better. Off to work.

Let's not talk about work.

Off to Hong Kong. Great city. Settle by the British, this is a very easy Asian city to get around. They all speak great English, the subway is easy to navigate and you can pronounce all the street names! Yeah! Even better, this is a very sleepy city. If your a tourist to this city, don't even bother leaving your hotel room till around 11am. Just plan on staying out late. Nothing opens till later and the city is in full gear well into the night. My favorite Asian city hands down!

Not realizing this, I headed into the city around 9am. Walked around for a long time before I decided I was hungry. Being pretty sick of noodles already, I started looking for hot solid foods. Got to love pictures menus on the wall of restaurants. I headed right for one with lots of pictures.....which....end up being lots of pictures of pigeon done 10 different ways. Yikes. Although, this explais why I watched a man kidnap a pigeon in Union Square of San Francisco. O.k, next restaurant I see, I'm going in no matter what. I will bloom where I'm planted. I turn the corner and like a beacon of light I see a larger poster of "Budweiser" in front of me. This place can't be wrong.

I go inside and about 15 tin tables surround me with 1 person at two of the tables. I order a beer ....... I know what your thinking...I have drinking problems. I think...you should shut up. I show the waiter two pictures of dishes and I ask him which he would choose, to which he responds, "no English". To which I respond, "O si, bueno" Apparently I think the Hong Kong native either speaks English or Spanish. I choose the noodles. You would have given up too. The beer helped.

Anyway, before long my food comes. Halfway through my meal I start to notice my surroundings. Apparently, I was supposed to put my chop sticks in a glass and fill the glass with the pitcher beside it (looked like ice tea), stir my chop sticks in it and throw out the contents into the bowl beside it. Ooooops. I didn't clean my chop sticks. Yikes again. Oh....wait...some people drank the "ice tea". What?!?! I'm so confused. Apparently, this a guys only place. Apparently, they don't have toilet paper in the bathroom which is why it ended up on my table? Hmmmm.

Definition of an F-Bomb

2008-03-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

...We Should Get Paid Waaaaaaayyyyyy More.....

Nicoderm Commercial

2008-03-12T22:54:00.001-07:00

A Typical F-Bomb on a Four Legged Day.....

(or If the Video Doesn't Start, Click The Link Below)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7MIpyUpEcE

Guarding The Airport

2008-03-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a Stew is asked is asked to do the impossible. Pack for six days without knowing where your going, how long you'll be going or even if you'll be going at all. This could be a challenge for most, but coming to find out, I don't pack pants. So... coordinating isn't much of an issue. Besides, F-bombs don't wear clothes on layovers..... Do they?

Seemingly, I spend about a day a week at the airport waiting by my phone for my beloved crew desk to call me to some gate. Domestic....International....it doesn't matter. I'm a stew in waiting.

Here's the deal. The FAA only allows our owner to work us so many hours a day. If it looks like a crew already on a flight is going to go over that their FAA time, the trip needs to be re-crewed. If weather causes a delay and a crew misses their next flight, then someone needs to be there to fill in the gap. That's where the stew in waiting comes in.

I've actually been sent to a gate to replace an entire a crew without knowing where I was going till after they shut the door. That's when I found out all the passengers had been in a four hour delay. Two of those fours hours was spent sitting in the plane. It was then I understood the menacial laugh of the customer service agent as she told me I was purser and shut the door. Bastards.

None the less, most of the time I don't get sent anywhere. I just guard the airport for 4 hours and go home. So.....what do I do for 4 hours at the aiport? Here's a small list:

1. Hands down, my favorite thing to do is to sit in the massage chairs at Brookstone. There is usually 3 of them they you can sit in for 20 minutes each. One hour down, zero dollars spent.

2. Browse the Magazine section in the Hudson News Store. Don't buy them, just read them. Someone is bound the leave the dirty mag you want on the seat. One hour down, zero dollars spent.

3. Get Free Samples from the Candy Store. Two minutes down, Zero dollars spent

4. Get a Make-Over in Sephora. You gotta know, we don't make a whole lot and good skin care is important to the perfect F-bomb. So....no make-up on the way to work to take advantage of all that great product. I often wonder what I would look like as an African American or Asian so I can spend some serious time there. None the less, I'll give this event one hour down, zero dollars spent.

5. Create a Blog. Obviously, I'm no Carrie Bradshaw. Fifteen minutes down, zero dollars spent.

6. Pray in the Chapel (that we aren't your next F-Bombs). Or I might prey....oops I meant pray for Hawaii or some deadhead trip to some silly place with a long layover and work to Argentina. Ok, maybe I'm just there because nobody would go there looking for me. Whatever. Five minutes down, zero dollars spent.

7. Have Text Sex (Thats for you Jim). Done deal. I'm going home.

First Piece of Advice

2008-03-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

When going on a trip of any kind, remember to pack pants. (note to self...pack pants)