Don't mess with a white girl's SPF

When I was twenty, my adorable boyfriend and I bought a truck, yep I said it...truck. It was this truck that we packed all our 18 years of accumulated worldly belongings, said good-bye to our families, our friends and my cat, Ginger (he was a male cat with either an identity disorder or smart owner that was trying to toughen him up to be a street cat by giving him a name handicap as a kitten) and moved out west to Montana. It sounds mildly like a country song until I add in the part where I tell you we both drank too much and he stole the truck. That should pretty much cinch the writing deal I have with Kenny Chesney.

So...what was I to do. I picked up my Birkenstocks and bought a new to me car. I bought a VW bug. It was so cute and exactly what I needed to park in my new sorority parking lot. Unfortunately, it was very moody and I was adventurous. Tough combination when you choose to drive this cute piece of trash across country. I'm talking about the car, not me.

It broke down a million times, but I made it back to Massachusetts to visit my family. This is where I got some of my best advice on self defense while traveling. My brother told me that the key to getting out of a dangerous situation is to surprise your assailant. He proceeded to give me an example. "Moon them", he said. Shortly there after I found out that my brother was a homo. I feel as though I can make non politically correct comments like this because I have a homo of my own. I have a homo trump card. Anyway, I'm not sure if the example my brother was giving me was suppose to scare them or if it was actually more of just a wave hello. None the less, I elected not to use his strategy and carried a switch blade.

Recently, I was in Spain and heard a similar story on self defense. I was sitting in an outdoor drinkery....much like an eatery, but I'm uncertain if they had food. Its irrelevant when Sangria is involved. Anyway, the girl next to us clearly needed to talk about her recent adventure and anyone that starts a conversation with a slur in the middle of the afternoon deserves my undivided attention especially when its in really bad Espanol. She was an English teacher and refused to embarass the english language with overconsumption of alcohol.

She was a cute, tiny girl from NY wearing a straw hat and sunglasses that was clearly used to protect us from going blind while looking at her skin which was so white I'm sure you could only see her under a purple light. She needed our advice. Sure...ask a stew...we'll tell you. She wanted to know if she should tell anyone that she got rolled by two 12 year old boys. Then goes on to explain that she didn't go down without a fight. See...these boys came up behind her, wrapped their arms around her to knock her down and steal her bag. Little did they know she is from NY and had some self defense moves she was willing to try out.

With one arm wrapped around her mouth, she did what she had to. She used her canine type chompers and bit down on her 12 year old assailants arm. To her surprise, she discovered it was not his arm, but her own arm that she bit. It's a little fuzzy from here, but she remembers them knocking her down...... Here's where I need to stop this story. My new friend whose name starts with J and rhymes with Phessica wants me to believe that she was coordinated enough to bit her own arm in self defense wants me to believe that she was knocked to the ground. My bet is on her tripping over her own feet or passing out in fear or possible arm pain..... In any event, she woke up so see her assailants running off...with her bag, but running none the less. As they should.

Clearly, intimidated by Phessica's kung fu ways they left her SPF for her knowing she would hunt them down for it. Phessica knowing that the only thing worse than getting rolled by two 12 year olds, is a bad sunburn, thoroughly applied a coat to spf 15 before going to the police.

Phessica set precedents. Don't mess with a white girl's SPF.