"It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's..."

"It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's... A BIRD'S BRAIN?!!?"

QUESTION: Did The Bird Fly Into The Plane OR Did The Plane Fly Into The Bird?!

Evidence #1: Picture of Side Cockpit Window



ANSWER: Who do you think the Bad Flier is and why?!

First Class or Class Ass

F*bombs are not born F*bombs. There is some interviewing...some training....some screening. Still... we can't be held responsible for a F*bomb gone wrong. Although, we can definitely laugh about it. Here's a classic.

I can't mention names but her name starts with a "J" and rhymes with "Schmen". I'll just call her Schmen so the story doesn't get confusing.

Schmen was a cool girl. I loved her. I really did. Let me tell you all the reasons why.

1. She was medicated. (I love this about most people)
F*bombs with flaws? Weird. Anyway, Schmen did take her medication just not every day and then she would make up for it all at once. Oooops.

2. She was expressive.
Her random medication schedule would make her do odd things. Cry in class. Bang on people's doors at night. Hit on the gay instructors. Yell down the hall. You know, things you only do on layovers.

3. She used her F*bomb brains and beauty to manipulate men.
One day this little vixen was going to get the ax. Schmen was smart...and rich. Schmen used her F*bomb ways to get one of the instructors to hit on her and then turned him in for sexual harassment. When they went to fire her, she threatened to sue because they were going to fire her after she reported a instructor for sexual harassment. See why I love her?!

4. She was not prejudice against married men.
She found a boyfriend on her training flight. Pilot. Married. Money to buy her things. Love this chick!

5. She was resourceful.
F*bomb wing wearing vixen that needs a little extra cash. What's a girl to do....? The obvious. Get a modeling gig. She got a great one. She was going to be photographed naked. Yep. Love her. Oh yeah, from the backside as a ten year old boy. This is where the no hips comes into play. She took a job as a naked, 10 year old boy for a pedophile magazine!

6. She had willpower that could put Jenny Craig to shame.
For this modeling gig, she has to lose a little weight. She's tiny, but coming to find out, ten year old boys are smaller. I only heard about the diet after her incident. See...this F*bomb fell down a flight of escalator stairs in a very large airport while walking with her Bo. Poor married bo had to miss his next flight because, when she fell she broke her nose and her blood got all over his shirt. He packs shirts like I pack pants...he didn't. So, he goes home and she goes to the hospital for a broken nose, fatigue, dehydration and malnutrition.

7. She was very open-minded.
Closed signs to the hotel pool doesn't stop this F*bomb from showing her treasures to the pilots and fellow f*bombs. Although, I wish she was a little more coordinated. She tosed her naked self off the wall on the way back over and cracked her head. Back to the hospital :(

8. She gives her passengers "First Class Treatment"
This is actually how she finally got fired. Coming to find out, she was flying the Purser (manager) position of a flight. As the new F*bombs came up just prior to landing, they found her a little unruffled and asleep in the jumpseat with an empty wine bottle. So...we don't tell on each other!!!!!!!. Good F*bombs! Instead, they strapped her to her seat to land and threw her in the bathroom during deplaning. Unfortunately, passengers told the agent about what happen during the flight and the agent called a supervisor down to alcohol test her. Coming to find out, she drank a little too much and did a strip show for first class before she passed out. She got fired.

See why I loved this girl!?!

Guarding The Airport: Pictures

While "Guarding the Airport" (See definition on blog #2, 3/12/08) The F*Bombs decided to have fun... :)

Free Massage:


Free Makeover:


Free Book Reading:


Free Icecream Tasting:


Free Prayer:


Free Ride:


Vegetarian Cuisine ... Not so free but Yummy!:


Alas, our fun is done because I got called out to work :(

Lost and Need Found...REWARD!

Video. Black and White or Color. Approximately 5 minutes in length. Flight Attendant feet about a size 7. Wiggling. Swaying back and forth. Taunting. Video must be in good condition. Please report if you found my feet. Thank you.

F*bomb makes it on the Big Screen

My fellow F*bomb got a little shy on you and left out her own adventures in foot fetish America. I'm positive she wants this story out so I'll do her a favor.

Picture it...the year 2008...Bush is in office...its a cold day in downtown San Francisco, California. My fellow F*bomb is dashing through our favorite over priced public transportation system...Bart. Suddenly, she is stopped by a few "college students" working on a project for school. My fellow F*bomb, recognizing it takes a "community to raise a child" and that "education is the key to our future", stops her quick, short steps of her long, long legs to see how she can help. Seemingly, these young men have project about the "souls" of people. These witty young men decide to put an interesting spin on this project and video tape people's feet. What a better video than a F*bomb in uniform who's "soul" has been "around"...what? It's a college project....Remember?! She's thinks to herself..."Self. This could be one of two things. One being that I am seriously helping out these young men. Or, two, my feet will be famous on some foot fetish porn site."

I wonder which one is was......

Shoenapped

Imagine you are comfortably sleeping on a long flight.... pillow and blanket (if you are lucky enough to get one) are adjusted and you have kicked off your shoes to let your toes breathe. ZZZZZzz..... 3 hours go by until IT happens. (insert dramatic silence). You wake up with a jolt, a weird tingling sensation, an urge that just won't go away.... you must use the restroom! Quickly, you throw off the blanket, rub the sleep out of your eyes, wake up the other 2 passengers (because of course you are seated/squished against the window), and try to put on your shoes. Problem. No shoes... you look under the seat in front of you, the seat behind you, the seat next to you, even in the overhead bin in desperation as the "I need to use the restroom NOW" sensation becomes more urgent. Every passenger and Flight Attendant is now looking for your shoes. Still not finding your shoes- you make a barefoot-mad-dash for the restroom! (WARNING!: DO NOT TRY THIS ON YOUR NEXT FLIGHT. NEVER EVER EVER EVER GO BAREFOOT OR WEAR ONLY SOCKS IN THE BATHROOM. YOU WILL CATCH A DISEASE AND MOST LIKELY DIE.) After you have used the restroom and thoroughly disinfected your feet, you return to your seat. And what do you find waiting there oh so innocently? Your lovely shoes. Naturally, you would dismiss the incident as you being tired and overlooking them in your haste to use the restroom. However, your shoes were probably victims in a horrible crime known as Shoenapping. Yes Shoenapping.
True Story: My roommate was working a flight where a man was stealing people's shoes as they slept, taking them into the restroom, and victimizing the shoes. Needless to say, she had to ask him to please stop stealing people's shoes. About 5 pairs of shoes were victims on that horrible flight, please don't let it happen to your shoes. Foot fetish. Shoe fetish. Fungus Fetish. Whatever the proper name is... LEAVE OUR SHOES ALONE!!!

Confessions of a F*Bomb: 9/11

Q: What is your 9/11 story?

A:


If the video doesn't start, click here: http://s292.photobucket.com/albums/mm14/AskAStew/?action=view¤t=MVI_0233.flv

Off Camera Notes: 1. She said that the local restaurants brought out sandwiches, food, & drinks for the people stranded on the highway (Free of Charge). 2. She saw the flight attendants in the domicile before they took off on their final flight. 3. The F*Bomb started crying :( 4. She started flying again asap after 9/11, but then had to take a 2 year break later to recuperate from the trauma. 5. She believes that it will happen again, but in London. 6. A reporter came up and took her account of the event, and said God Bless her after he found out that she worked for an Airline. 7. She does not think that it is fair that every memorial for 9/11 only has firefighters and/or police figures. Never a flight attendant or pilot (or passenger)! NOT FAIR! The cabin crew and passengers literally brought the plane down before it hit its final destination and saved thousands of people's lives. Hmmmmm and what did "we" get as a Thank You? A Cute lil Statue?-NO! A pretty lil memorial?-NO! We get ...(drum roll)... pay cuts! AND loss of jobs! AND longer work hours! AND less days off! AND shorter layovers/rest periods! AND less Medical/Dental coverage! ...So the terrorist attacks that made fireman/policeman heroes (Granted they ARE HEROES!!) also made flight attendants and pilots decide between losing 40% of their lively hood or losing their jobs completely. Unfortunately, "we" are still dealing with these losses 7 years later. But that is another rant. Another blog. 8. We did get permission from her to publish this video. 9. Do NOT copy or save or use this video in any context. It's MINE and I don't want to share. Grrrrrrr.

We could give a....?

Bin Ladden

Ladies and Gents, if your bag does not fit in the overhead bin, said bag is called "check-in luggage". Additionally, the flight attendants are not your personal baggage handlers and are not responsible for your lack of talent in recognizing your short comings regarding square peg in round hole depth perceptions. God bless your current spouse.

Phew. Now that I got off my chest, I must say there are some customer complaints that are valid and, when written well, will be heard by everyone...... Don't get wrong, you won't get results, but you will be heard. Here's a real letter written by a passenger from Continential. Enjoy!